Will You Leave Too?

In the spirit of sharing your heart as therapy, this blog is just raw. One of my friends thinks I expose too much of my thinking here. I rather think it’s better to be real and just let you know what’s up. I have no idea how many of our church members are reading this blog regularly. I hope that none of you are still living with the expectation of an elite super-preacher who never cusses when he stubs his toe. If you need me to be that, I would advise you go rent Pollyanna and have some popcorn and soda. As far as I know, though, you know better! Well, in case you haven’t detected it yet, this has been one tough week. I’ll be honest and tell you that it’s one of those weeks when you feel like there’s a message coming through loud and clear: YOU CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE. I’m just not sure where that message is coming from. I skate on the edge of self-doubt anyway, so it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. I suppose disappointment can only come from those we admire. If we didn’t admire them, and they let us down, we wouldn’t be surprised. So, in one way, the level of our disappointment is a pretty good measure of our estimation of another person. I’ve been here before. “Here” being this place where you feel the supports falling out from beneath you. The unexpected departures. Desertion from one you trusted. No, he’s not willing to talk about it. Yes, he’s made up his mind and nothing you say can change it. No, he will not be specific about what the problem is. Yes, he will pretend nothing’s wrong when he sees you out in public. No, he will not be back to church to explain to others. Yes, you will have to do that, John, and you deserve to bear that burden. Left behind to offer unexplainable explanations. Untenable options swim around in my mind about how to respond, and how not to respond. Even so, I believe that Out Here Hope Remains. I know that others have been in my situation before. I’ve read Jeremiah’s tears and his desire to leave the prophet business. I’ve read an old Apostle’s tear-stained papyrus as he wrote about one of his disciples who had gone back into the world. I’ve sensed the fleeting moment of doubt as Jesus asked, “will you leave me too?” Where else would I go? I’m hanging on, though. I’ve got some fresh challenges in front of me. I’m not afraid of them. Though the world (and some Christians) has tried to teach me not to trust, there are close friends that I trust. Our elders have been strong and steady in my life. I really do believe that Jesus is never far away. Well, that’s how I’ll round out this week. See you Monday. It's hard to think about what you've wanted It's hard to think about what you've lost This doesn't have to be the big get even This doesn't have to be anything at all I know you really want to tell me good-bye… Stop draggin' my my heart around ---Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around, Stevie Nicks & Tom Petty