No Reflections in Ripples

Narcissus looked into the water and became captivated by his beauty. Good thing he didn't live in my world. There's never a moment when the water is calm around here. The water keeps ripples on it as I run back and forth tending to stuff. Last week's funeral followed by a wedding plus regular ministry work kept me bouncing from bumper to bumper. I was to leave for Wisconnsin for a retreat today, but a damaged Pensacola airport and transportation complications and the fact that my friend couldn't go kind of made it an impossibility. So no retreat this week ... but there's a buffet of things that all expect my participation this week. I think it's time for me to take a personal retreat. I'm always riddled with guilt, though, when I leave my family in their continual routine. I identify with John Alan Turner's post "It's Not Healthy To Run At This Pace". But I'm not alone in my busyness. And truthfully, I enjoy it... except that the result of it is a neglect of the truly important things. Affirming that we "need" the times of reflection is a worthless excercise for me ... I already know it. It's not a knowledge problem. It's a willingness to let some things go ... and I'm too heavily invested in most of those things trying to prove my worth. To whom? Maybe to the leadership team that has entrusted this work to me. Maybe to my critics and enemies who continue to undermine my work in their sneaky phone calls and faux friendship (and 5 years of this is really enough. Doesn't anyone else grow weary of it?). Maybe to my church family, because they are so supportive of all I do. Maybe to my friends who work with more energetic, more effective congregations that appear more successful...although I do know that's not the measure of a man. It just seems like it. Maybe to my son, who is so observant. Maybe to my fellow blog members, who belong to a sharp and wry generation. Turning 40 was not hard. I think turning 41 is harder. The novelty of the 40's is gone. I'm just glad they let me hang around them. Maybe to my dad who moved 20 years ago and left no forwarding address. Maybe to God. I often affirm that He will never leave us. But sometimes I think if he could get enough of somebody and leave, it might be me. Maybe to myself. It's not that I lack words of appreciation. They are nice but they do not solve anything. Maybe I like the ripples in the water because they prevent reflection. I do not especially regard introspection as my friend.